My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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