yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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