If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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