You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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