I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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