"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
