dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
