I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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