Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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