you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
