The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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