Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
