not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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