whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
