grandma shit on top of the toilet
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
