The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
