you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
