We named our party play list daddy issues
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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