I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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