I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
