he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
