rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
