i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
