You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
