Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
