what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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