The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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