apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
