So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
