the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
