Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
