I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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