I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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