At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
