I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
