I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
he's single and there are thong briefs.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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