6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
