This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
