TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
