I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
