Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
