how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
