Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
