is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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