now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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