I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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