ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
