I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
