I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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