Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
