Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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