from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
