At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
