take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
