vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
